realisations.

I’ve realised some things. The dreams that I’ve had for years are now going to be non-existent. I need to make new dreams. Dreams with the people that make me happy. I’ve also realised, i would never be able to leave England as planned. My whole life is here. Everything i want is here. Sure, achieving my dreams would mean the world to me, but my life here means more. The people mean everything, and i genuinely mean that. I would be nothing without them. I guess dreams never do come true. Not the life long ones. It would either be my life here, or there. I couldn’t ask people to change their dreams for me. I couldn’t ask them to leave everything they knew for something to only make me happy. That’s selfish. I’m not like that. I’m giving up on my dream, for a new dream. Here. I think i like this dream just as much as the one before. My original dream was rare. And i’m very sure not many people succeed in doing it, there’s no chance that i would. Not me. I’m an average girl. Nothing special.

My life is changing now. I don’t like change. I never have and i’m sure i never will. I like routine. For things to stay the same for once. This makes the dream i had before impossible. I’m leaving compulsory education tomorrow. As much as i said that i hated my school, I’m going to miss the way things are. The routine and the people. Not so much teachers- well some. But the friends i never thought i’d make. They have made my school life what it is. They have given me so many laughs and memories that i will never forget. Some are moving away, but hopefully we will keep in touch and meet up. One person in particular that is moving away, i have known since year four- so that makes seven years. That’s practically half of my lifetime. I will miss her, and her bubbly personality. I’m not singling her out as though it’s just her i’ll miss. I’ll miss all my friends, even the ones staying on; we might not be in classes together. I remember being told once that the school days are some of the happiest times of your life- whoever said that to me was right. They are. Now we are all going to do our exams and start making lives for ourselves. It’s a scary thought. But i’m sure that it will all work out for everyone, including me.

I’m off for a while- sorry that was deep today.
Ciao xx

sorry i havent been here..

For a while. I've been kind of busy.

So, I've done my philosophy, Business Studies, Drama and English Lit papers now. None of them have gone too badly. Oh, wait drama that was a practical exam- sorry. I'm really worrying about math now. I actually think i need a tutor or something. I might ask my boyfriends sister to help me, she's really nice and good at math.

I really like Glee's version of Defying Gravity at the moment. Although, I must say the original Wicked version is amazing. Kurt is probably my favourite Glee character along with Mercedes. I'm not sure of Rachel's voice, I mean she has such a good voice, but sometimes it’s very over the top. And i think they need to let other characters sing more- except Arty, I don’t like his voice much. But he’s a lovely character.


My boyfriends back from his Rugby trip to Paris, thank god! I missed him so much, and it was nice to hear that he'd missed me too. It makes me really happy to think that in 13 days we will have been together 6 months- that’s half a year. And throughout the past 6 months, i have been so happy, unbelievably happy. and it’s him that makes me that happy. I can’t really explain it. I'm going to his tonight, for dinner and to make brownies, aha, let’s just hope i don’t get covered in chocolate like last time. It might get a little gushy now. Sorry. If you have ever liked someone so much, you will understand what I have to say. I light up when i’m with him, it’s like he has some kind of power over me. It’s unexplainable. I could be feeling really tired and eurgh, but as soon as i see him it all changes and i become this happy girl without a care in the world. He makes me feel as if I have the confidence to do anything. For example, I had to do this song on stage with two other girls, who i haven’t sung with before, and it wasn’t the usual type of song i was used to singing. So i felt really worried about it and not very confident. I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he told me that i would be great and to sing it for him, which in a way, terrified me a little after i realised, yes he would be there. But when i was on stage it was fine. I enjoyed it. Some of the things he does and says just make me feel like the happiest girl in the whole world- i know that’s over used and it’s a cliché, but it’s true. I never thought in a million years i would find someone as amazing as him. But i guess there is someone for everyone right? you just have to find them. And, yes i have found him. He’s the only person that makes me feel like this. He just makes me feel so special, and i feel like i can be an utter retard in front of him and not feel embarrassed. I love that. I feel just so comfortable with doing anything. He thinks i’m crazy, but so what. I don’t care. I just love him.



That’s enough from me, I'd better go for now, talk to you later my lovelies.
Ciao ox

i'm relaxed, its nice.

Sorry about the whole emotional blog yesterday, i was just thinking about it all, especially on the way home from school- it’s a short walk, but when you have your iPod on really loud it makes everything melt away and gives you time to think, i think i need to do that more often, it helped me a lot.

So, today I am in a better mood. A good mood actually. I don't feel quite so stressed, which makes a change. Last night i had another disturbed night’s sleep, i keep waking up at the exact same time, 5:30AM, then not being able to get to sleep for a while. I wake up occasionally through the night as well, but that lasts seconds and i'm back to sleep again. Also, today I sat my first exam- Philosophy. We had a day, well four hours, of revision and then into the two hour exam. I finished fairly early too, although i was very prepared for the exam, which i was proud of. All the notes and hand cramp i went through feel like they've paid off. I have a Business Studies exam on Thursday which i am currently revising and making notes for. I don’t find Business difficult, it’s just one of those subjects i need to revise for to get good grades, and it doesn’t come naturally, unfortunately. On Friday I have my drama exam, which i’m not that nervous for since we've already done the mock for it last week. I got one mark off a B which i was really pleased about considering my target is a C and we had lots of trouble with our group. I'll be very happy if i get a B, even if i get a C i'll be happy.

I've now decided on Thursday, regardless of whether i get to see my boyfriend or not, i'm having a night off from revision and study, I've done enough this week. Plus Saturday, Sunday and Monday will be dedicated to English Lit revision- god i need it. Then for the rest of the week i don’t have any exams, i may do some light revision, but i do have another week without revision since we have a half-term break, which I’ve already started making plans for! I'm going to see my first ever rugby match with my boyfriend and his family, and I’ve already been told that if they win or lose, they will be drunk, it makes me laugh, i'll probably end up carrying my boyfriend home, ah, i can just see it now. Also in the holiday i will be seeing him a fair bit as i won’t be able to for a while after that, due to revision.

Well, me and a friend have started our countdown until our last exam, on the 18th June- Physics. It's 31 days as she happily reminded me. I simply cannot wait.


I better get on with some more revision. I'll be back tomorrow if I get a chance, if not, it might be a few days, sorry.

Ciao ox

I miss a lot of things...

This might turn into quite an emotional blog; I want to write about my past a little.

I miss how close me and my dad used to be, we used to spend Sundays together, just me and him. We would go out for the day or even just a ride in the car for a while. It was lovely, just spending time together while my mum was at work. It’s all changed since I’ve grown up. I and my dad have become very alike in some of our personal qualities. We both can become very hot headed and lose our temper quickly, usually with each other. If you actually know me, you probably won’t see these qualities in me. I can control them sometimes. I just think that because we are so alike we just press each other’s buttons and annoy each other. I still remember the first proper argument we had. Shouting at each other and he was throwing swear words at me. That was the first time that i became very annoyed at him. Unfortunately, after that we seemed to argue a lot. Now, it’s different, we don’t seem to argue that much anymore, which i am grateful for.

I miss my granddad. A lot. I miss him every day. I haven’t cried in a while. Although i was close to it the other day. As you have probably of guessed he has passed away. I miss him so much, it’s not that it was a shock that he died, because we did have a lot of time to prepare for it, but i guess in a way you always imagine how it will be after their gone, and you prepare for that. But when it happens it’s ten times worse and you struggle through. I remember the week before he died. We got told he didn’t have long left, and that in itself was a shock that none of us were prepared for. Obviously over the last couple of years we had seen him deteriorate dramatically. Watching someone that you love dearly change into someone that doesn’t recognise his own family is the most horrible thing in the world, no one should have to see that. It was a shock every time i went to see him, because i was younger my mum stopped me from seeing him regularly, she would make sure she saw him while i was at school. I wish she hadn’t of done that and i could of spent more time with him. He had few good days and lots of bad days. In the last week, he was in a sort of coma. He didn’t eat or drink anything. It was like his body had given up on him, since he couldn’t physically swallow it would have been hard to eat anything. On one of his last days we got a call, while we were watching a local football match, me and my mum rushed to the Elderly Home and went to see him, we spent hours talking to him, with no response. We even had a little radio that played him music. I remember Take That's song Rule The World came on, me and my mum sang it to him, the lyrics at the time were quite fitting. Since then each time i hear that song, i think of him, it’s his song, it belongs to him. At 2:13AM we got a phone call. He'd gone, forever. No cuddles, no magic tricks, no biscuits, no granddad, ever. he was gone. we went and said our goodbyes. i miss him; i'm starting to cry now, so i had better stop.


talk later maybe.
ciao ox

Hello, how are you?

I'm a bit stuck with how to start my blog; I've blogged before, but not really like this. I want to make these regular postings, before it was little and not very often- hence i gave up. So i want to tell you about my life.

I am currently about to start my GCSEs and am really stressing over them. I'm actually losing sleep over it. I have dreams about them- this was only my drama one. It’s crazy how much something like this takes over your life. Every spare moment I try and revise, unless, like now, i have little energy, i'm getting an earlier night tonight to try and catch up on sleep. I hope it works, otherwise i'm going to become grumpy and irritable and take it out on everyone, including you, and i'm going to say this in advance. I'm sorry. My parents, and my boyfriend, keep telling me how proud they are of me, and this keeps me going, I want to make them proud, and make them happy.

On to something a little happier, i do drama outside of school, which i really enjoy. Currently we are working on a show that one of the adults wrote, and it’s about the war. I am lucky enough to of landed the role that I wanted of playing one of the leading ladies, although my character dies, and doesn’t have as many lines as others, it is considered main- I'm guessing it’s because of how she connects with the other characters and the audience. I'm glad that i don’t have that many lines because it makes it easier for me, at this stage of my life.

Now, as i have already mentioned, I have a boyfriend. Quite simply, I think he's the most amazing person in the world. I know, you're probably thinking what about your family and friends, they are truly equally amazing. It's just, he makes me feel something I’ve never felt before, and yes, I do know that that is clichéd all over the internet, like sites like facebook etc. But I do truly mean it. We talk at every minute possible, whenever we can. We see each other a lot too, a few times a week. Although, in the next month or so, I'm not going to see him much, he goes away this Friday for a few days which means i won’t see him at the weekend, and because of how my exams lie, i might not see him until mid-week next week. Well i tell you, this will be hard for me. We have never been separated for more than 2 maybe 3 days... I know it won’t seem a lot to you, and you’re probably thinking, oh my goodness it’s a week for crying out loud, well i don’t care. It’s a week! And when you love someone this much, you want to be with them 24/7. I honestly believe i am in love. Yes i may be a teenager, but theres no rules regarding love. You can’t help who you fall for, or how hard you fall. And I am very pleased to say, that for once in my life, someone loves me for me, and they love me just as much as i love them. He said some things to me last night...well actually 3AM this morning, that really made me realise, he does love me as much as i love him, and i never thought that he would think of the same things i do. It really put things in perspective for me. 08-12-09 the best day of my life, and the best 5 and a bit months of my life.


I suppose I'd better go now, I've blogged for long enough, and you're probably bored of me going on.

Ciao ox